I’m sorry for what I did, or am going to do, sometime after writing this. I do love all of you. I love my family and close ones and it pains me beyond anything to let you go, but I can’t keep living like this. There is no way I’ll feel better anymore, my life is going downhill because I can’t do anything anymore, I can’t do any work because doing anything seems out of my reach.
And to live you can’t just walk through each day feeling like an empty vessel for something that once had life. It all feels meaningless and I can’t put the pain of existing into words, there are no words for the constant pain I feel, for the constant suffering I have to go through. It’s not just sadness. It’s any strong negative emotion cramped into one sludge ball, it sticks, it’s disgusting and all it does is hurt, makes me want to vomit.
At this point I don’t even know if I’m depressed or if I’m just overreacting. Life is filled with ups and downs, however I can’t but feel like every up has that lingering down in it. Like the down is just a background dancer, still there, always there, but no one pays attention to it, because the main dancer takes all the attention. Because the hysteric happiness is there, because the stinging nothing and everything doesn’t show.
I can’t control the, excuse my wording, manic bliss I feel whenever I am around people, like I can’t control myself or my action, it feels like a drug, I feel so great and can’t think of all the bad things just beneath the surface, can’t function in more than a drugged state, my brain in foggy happiness. Well not always so happy, but you get the point, not able to just break down, curl up in a ball and cry.
My body doesn’t feel like mine either. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have bad dysphoria, my euphoria defines my gender better than my dysphoria, but I have something else. Sometimes I stare at my hands, and they feel too big, I know they’re not but they feel too big and I don’t feel like a part of my body. This shell is just functioning without me, and sometimes I feel like it’s all a delusion, a dream, a nightmare. And sometimes I am so in the situation that it hurts. So aware of my thoughts that I want to scream it away, to return to the bliss of being unaware of anything, to being out of it. And it hurts.
I would however like to thank you all because I love you, because you’ve been there for me, in one way or another. Thank you like you have to in every speech. Or suicide note, which this without mistake is. Or so I think. I can’t even say hope or don’t hope, because I am not sure. Because I don’t know. Because I might be too weak to even end it all, end being a burden. I know I am one, we’re all burdens, but I just can’t keep living like one. Not because of the pain I cause others, no I’m too selfish to end it all because of that, but because I can’t live with the pain, I cause myself. Because existence hurts so much. It just hurts, that’s all I know.