i don't know what's real and fake anymore.


i mean, of course i do know but,


this all feels like a dream. or well, nightmare.


i am so fucking scared.


i feel so sick and i feel immense dread everytime i open my eyes


because two out of three times it's not the morning.


i hate that i can't even cry because i'm too fucking tired.


getting up from the bed has turned into a battle.


i fucking hate life, i want nothing more than to not exist.


if 'life' is a present then i want to give it back.


but i can't kill myself.


because it takes guts to take that knife and plunge it into your chest.


or take those pills and lay down without shoving fingers in your mouth to puke.


or step up and put your neck through that tied loop and not back down.


or not give up and drink after days of dehydration.


and i'm so fucking weak i can't do that.


i'm too fucking sick to not give up.


i think i'm going to puke.